I am continuously getting phone calls, texts, DM’s and messages from guy friends asking for relationship advice. I’ve said it before but I will say it again, I am not a relationship expert. But I am a believer in John Gray’s theory “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.” Most men and women could not be more different.
The fact is, for the most part, men are rational and women are emotional. There is little rationality in emotions. For this reason I’ve decoded the meaning behind her words and actions in the next few paragraphs to shed some light. I cannot speak on behalf of all women because no two people are alike, however, through conversations with girlfriends and my own personal experiences I’ve concluded a few things that might help you understand the women in your life better.
It started at an early age when my Godfather explained the biggest problem in relationships to me. He said, “Men go into a relationship thinking a woman is never going to change and women go into a relationship thinking they can change a man.” It seemed honest enough. Two small problems that could easily be resolved. WRONG. In matters of the heart all is not fair in love and war because love is a battlefield. In my thirties I live by the words of my late Godfather. I’ve learned there is some truth to his sentiments.
The problem stems from human anatomy. Men are rational and logical which can be perceived as simple. Again this isn’t true for all men, but as a whole. Women are complex. Our minds are machines. Let me break it down for you in layman’s terms. When we have an argument. For the sake of an example. Let’s say we were headed out for a date and I asked you “Does this dress look good or should I change?” and you reply, “You always look good. Now let’s go.” In a woman’s mind because you did not specifically compliment her dress she thinks she does not look good enough. In your one statement her mind has gone to fifty different places.
“Does he think I look good?” “Do I look good enough?” “Will he checkout someone else who looks better than me?” “Should I change?” “What else can I wear?” “How much time do I have?” Et cetera, all in a span of two minutes. If you think it is hard trying to understand a woman, imagine being a woman. Our minds are running ramped constantly. Our thoughts are even tired. So when you give us a hard time just know it’s not you, it’s us, but cut us some slack.
When we are having a bad day and nothing looks good. It’s the worst hair day, we don’t have anything to wear and our makeup isn’t perfect. Heck, it’s the worst day of our lives for the hundredth time this week. Let us have our moment. PMS can play a huge role in our mood swings but sometimes we just don’t feel good about ourselves. A lot of our frustration over not looking good is because we care how we look next to you. Our stress is trying to be perfect for you. So the next time your girlfriend or friend says she’s fat, ugly or miserable don’t joke with her about it just say, “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.” and remind her how amazing she is. Sometimes a simple compliment can change the worst day of our lives into the best one.
When you are worn out with the constant fighting. It’s monotonous at this point. You are battling thoughts of ending it because you can’t get inside of her head and make sense of her behavior understand her frustration. Women bottle a lot of things inside so as not to fight. When we finally reach a breaking point we bring A, B, C — X, Y and Z into the argument. Most of which has nothing to do with why we were mad to begin with. What happened is we were holding onto past frustrations and exploded. Because men want the shortest version of a story, and a resolution to a problem without hearing it, women don’t always talk about their feelings. If we cannot explain how we are feeling and have you acknowledge it it boils inside of us until we burst. If you don’t want to fight with us allow us to express ourselves openly and show compassion for our feelings. We need to be honest about how we are feeling when we are experiencing discomfort in the relationship. The timing may not be ideal but the more you hear us out and try to work through it together the less tension there will be. We care about you and don’t want to lose you that is why we are constantly fighting with you. In our minds we are fighting to make it work. All we want is for you to acknowledge our concern and care equally about what’s causing the tension in our relationship so we can both put forth the effort to make the relationship work.
When you checkout another woman and we freak out. I know we’ve all been there. Though we know it is perfectly normal to notice another beautiful woman we do not want to be made a fool. We are not jealous but we do want to be respected. You can glance at a beautiful woman but starring her down, dropping our hand to notice her, doing a 180-degree turn, or commenting on her isn’t helping your case. There is a time and a place for everything. The time and place for eyeballing other women is not when you are on a date with your woman. To paint a picture: You and your girlfriend are walking down the street holding hands. You blatantly notice another woman. You stop to stare at her, she notices you, everyone notices. Now your woman looks like the idiot standing beside you arm-in-arm. Take pride in the woman you have chosen to be with. I assure you that other beautiful woman comes with her own set of problems. Why go searching for the 20% you don’t have when you have 80% already? There will always be something missing so focus on what you do have.
If you want your woman to be fun, carefree and easy to be around you must be interested in her. We don’t scream, lash out and act “crazy” for the sake of being difficult. There is ALWAYS a reason. Have you ever seen Gone Girl? There was a reason Amy was crazy. Her husband cheated on her, used all of her money to fund his passion projects, and then wasn’t interested in her when she no longer wanted to play the “cool girl” role. The role of the girl who’s easy to get along with all-the-time. A guy’s girl who drinks beer, watches sports and is down for anything. There is NO real woman on the planet like that. We might enjoy similar hobbies however we make sacrifices for you. With that said, I don’t agree with Amy. She was deeply fucked up, but I sympathize with her pain and frustration. This situation could have been different if Nick didn’t cheat and had been more interested in Amy. Showing interest in each others passions is imperative. Investing in one another’s likes is also a great way to keep things exciting.
Like you, women want to do it all. In the twenty-first century we believe we can bring home the bread, cook the bacon and put the baby to bed. But we can’t do it without your support. When we doubt ourselves, get frustrated when it’s not working the way we planned for it, or we experience financial woes we need your support more than ever. Two of the hardest things to go through alone are failure and disappointment. When the going gets tough and we want to give up remind us why we hung on so long. Encourage us. If you cannot provide a solution to the problem stand beside us every step of the way and let us know you are not going anywhere. At the end of the day we want to know that we are in this ship together. That if the ship sinks we are going down together or swimming together but not floating in two different directions alone.
In short, it all comes down to affection and love for us. Though flowers can win us over from time-to-time nothing is as great as the assurance of knowing we are loved by you.