I have been wanting to share a personal post for awhile because as much as I love blogging about style and clothing it is not relatable to everyone. The truth is, I am much deeper than material possessions.
Last year a friend of mine asked me the meaning behind one of my tattoos. When I explained it to her she looked sad and confused. She said it was depressing. I didn’t understand how something that resonated with me so much didn’t make any sense to her. Then I realized sometimes people think they know everything about you because they have spent time with you or read posts you’ve published on social media. The truth is no one truly knows you as well as you know yourself. I want to share an intimate side of me with you. I understand people’s varying opinions about tattoos, being for or against them, but I love the stories they represent. For me, I have no regrets. I love all of my tattoos and plan to get more. They are the memoir of my life to the book I will never publish.
How it began…
Tattoo #1 -Sacred Temple Coordinates
I waited until I was 35 to get my first tattoo: One of now five. It was sacred. I took a trip to Bali, a spiritual place I had always wanted to visit. The day I was suppose to leave I got stuck for 4 days due to a volcanic eruption. Just 2 days earlier I had been sitting on the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean in Uluwatu. When I got stuck in Bali I knew I had to have the coordinates of the sacred temple where I sat that day because nothing in my life would ever be the same after that… And it never was. Instead of getting degree symbols like traditional coordinates have I got triangles. Those triangles represent creation, preservation and destruction as well as mind, body and spirit. The coordinates are spiritual and personal to me.
Tattoo #2 – Charles Bukowski – “Find what you love and let it kill you.” Quote
I have loved Bukowski for as long as I can recall. It seems only natural since he is a German-American poet-novelist and I am German-American and love poetry and literature. “Find what you love and let it kill you.” is my favorite poetry quote of all. I have found everything I love in life slowly devour me to the point of eventually killing pieces of me. It became me. To have the things you want in life comes with a price. Because it never comes easy, it feels like it’s killing you (and sometimes it is). This tattoo is an omen to my career and the future it holds. To live my passions and see them come to fruition. When I finally achieve everything I want I will be content living this expression because I have found with great happiness comes greater sadness.
The day I showed up for my appointment to see my now long-time tattoo artist Konstantin (who has done all of my tattoos but my first one) I knew I wanted this quote. The only way I knew how to personalize it was to have it tattooed in my handwriting so I did.
Tattoo # 3 -F. Scott Fitzgerald – “Dust in my hand.” Quote
“Dust in my hand” is the abbreviated version of the full quote “Things are sweeter when they’re lost. I know–because once I wanted something and got it. It was the only thing I ever wanted badly, Dot, and when I got it it turned to dust in my hand.” A quote from Fitzgerald’s less popular novel, The Beautiful and Damned. I have always been a Gatsby fan however last year I was suffering from traumatic stress and anxiety learning to cope with a psychopath to stay alive. I waited my entire life for love until I found it and it turned to dust in my hand. Last year I felt dead inside everyday. At the time the quote was a reminder nothing is as good as it seems so appreciate everything for what it is and live without expectations. Now the tattoo is a reminder that I am alive. #Pixiedust
Tattoo # 4 – Cross
I got my third and fourth tattoos together. I knew I wanted both so I just did it. My cross resembles faith. Religion and spirituality are a fine line of beliefs that make and break relationships. It was necessary to display my belief on my inner arm. It means spirit guides my every step. I have experienced a few close encounters with fate. I know God is protecting me. The positioning of the cross is so when I place my hand across my chest the cross touches my heart.
Tattoo # 5 – Patrick Marber “I love everything about you that hurts.” Quote
This is my by far my FAVORITE tattoo. I only wish it were more visible but really none of my tattoos are. Patrick is an English screenwriter, director, etc. He wrote my favorite film which is pretty outdated now Closer. The dialogue is so powerful it hurts to watch, but I love dramas and this is a very realistic adaptation of relationships and what no one wants to admit (in this case those that have ended in affairs). That said, affairs have nothing to do with why I got this quote, but watch the movie anyway!
WHY THIS QUOTE?! “I love everything about you that hurts.” First, you must know I am dark. People oftentimes misperceive dark as a negative connotation. They don’t understand my bubble gum appearance and deep soul, but through darkness shines light. I have found the deepest connections I have made with people in life are the ones I connect with on a level of our own. I love pain because it forces strength. When I recognize someone for exactly who they are and the pain and struggle that brought them there and moved them through it I feel their power. I believe it is the most intimate two people can be (unless you are inside one another). To share the same page of the same book at the same time – that is an unstoppable force of timing. Nearly impossible from my experience because broken hearts build walls not closeness.
I know the article was long but the stories of my tattoos contributed to my life in one way or another and this is a small piece of me I want to share with you. xx